Category: Opinion

  • What Matters? Fordham Rebrand Falls Flat on Purpose

    First impressions are important. In the wider field of graphic design — rife with slick poseurs, ardent objectivists, gleeful contrarians, and vague distant relations who could’ve done the job better for peanuts — first impressions are do-or-die. 

    “If St. Ignatius saw this, he would wish he’d been hit in the head by the cannonball instead of the leg,” roughly reads one of the most-liked comments on Fordham University’s rebrand announcement on Instagram. 

    The new identity system debuted with a sizzle reel on July 31, 2025 — a Thursday. Headlining (and, on Instagram, thumbnail-ing) the rebrand was a new primary F mark, but the new brand system includes a host of new marks, lockups, palettes, font pairings, slogans, and communication guidelines. Thousands of hours of work between brand agency Ologie and the university’s various in-house teams lay behind a new system applied to every corner of Fordham’s branding, and it was all introduced to the public in one sizzle reel. 

    The community sentiment was overwhelmingly negative. Fordham — its marketers, its in-house designers, and the firm it contracted to execute the rebrand — failed to make a good first impression. 

    Few fields besides graphic design produce work so ubiquitous and so commonly consumed that arbiters of taste hand down judgement simply on the sole qualification of having commonly consumed the work. Few highly technical professions have as low a barrier of entry.

    A desk-duty middle manager “whipping something up” is inconceivable in a machine shop. Tech firms are not scrambling to democratize HVAC maintenance by harnessing the power of AI. To be sure, there are unappeasable blowhards managing (and even leading) every profession. Few outside of modern art, however, use familiarity with the end product — combined with a certainty in its complete subjectivity — to exert control on the finished product with little more than vibes-based judgment, as is du jour in graphic design.

    “I showed this logo to my dog, and he didn’t like it. Could you make it pop more?”

    First impressions are about getting out ahead of it all. They’re about establishing total expertise and trustworthiness, communicating at the level of the target audience, and presenting a solved problem. A first impression is not defensive — aimed to answer questions before they’re asked — it’s offensive: here is the problem, here is the solution, and here are the different benchmarks by which the problem is solved.

    It is rarely so easy. It is the unfortunate reality that a graphic designer’s job — just as much as the software manipulation, the vendor visits, and the constant portfolio building — is to sell themselves and prove their professional worth at all times. 

    It’s a matter of first impressions. Get good at them, or hunker down for the blowback. 

    Through graphic design and marketing, I was sold a particular vision of Fordham University as a prospective student. Beyond the smiling faces and lists of majors, I was offered an academic experience based in a long tradition of Jesuits — bona-fide hippies of the Catholic world — and their knack for top-of-the-line educational institutions. I was promised a two-campus experience that blurred the boundaries between the city and the institution; sold on the slogan “New York is my campus, Fordham is my school.” 

    Fordham was marketed to me as an old guard of do-gooders intermeshed with the largest, most diverse city in the nation. A gem of tradition and near-mystique that welcomed skeptics, religious and otherwise.

    I was intrigued by Jesuit-in-origin but progressive-to-this-day tenets of holistic care and advocacy; of radical acceptance and an obligation to serve others. A lifetime public school product, I read the glossy Fordham mailers and decided that these Catholics had the right idea.

    On Accepted Students’ Day, then-President Joseph M. McShane, S.J. threw the crowd a line that stuck with me: “You come to Fordham, I can promise you one thing. You will be bothered here.”

    I did. I was.

    Marketing by nature over-promises, and Fordham University was no exception. The values the school plastered everywhere were not statements of fact. Taken optimistically, they were aspirational. 

    When I saw the school at its best, those values were exactly that.

    Drawing from a well-publicized font of tradition, students and faculty held the school to its own professed standards and implored it to do better. Over and over, Fordham University was told that it was better than — had been better than, must return to being better than, could someday be better than — its reality. It could integrate better into its surroundings and give back to the communities in which it resided. It could represent a cross-section of the city population. It could stand up for the oppressed and offer a guiding light for the truth-seekers. 

    The marketing was turned back around on itself: Fordham was old enough and wise enough — and had the right priorities in place — to do what’s right. 

    Though nonlinear and frequently slower than needed, change at Fordham felt present and possible by design. Marketing told a glossier tale, and branding tied it up in a bow, but the real story was in there, moving ever-closer to the ideal.

    Isn’t that what being Catholic is all about? A lifelong struggle for that which is out of reach? Highest-of-high standards that force us to commit to the long, glorious, futile, imperfect journey?

    By its own marketing, Fordham was old. It was storied. It called its community to be Christlike. When wielded by the community, it was self-actualizing.

    Hopeful, staccato strings crescendo into megachurch drums — all suspiciously stock-sounding — and Fordham’s new brand makes its first impression. 

    The first visual is a close-up detail of the old letterforms morphing into the new. This technique is helpful when trying to convey to an audience an effort to subtly and faithfully modernize typography — by way of a smooth transition effect, designers show that there is a trace of the old in the new; there is continuity in the refinement. It is not nearly as helpful in the present application, as one typeface simply expands into a separate, chunkier and less detailed typeface. We watch the wordmark lose character in real time. 

    The reel continues, and we read that the brand is “inspired by bringing tradition and architecture together.” The tradition referenced goes undefined in the video. We are, however, shown that the architecture component is of the neo-gothic variety found in the older buildings on the picturesque Rose Hill campus, including the flagship Keating Hall.

    “Collegiate Gothic” architecture is a recognizable hallmark of many colleges and universities, the 19th-century style of choice to call back to the the world’s oldest, most venerated learning institutions. 

    My college search included countless road trips and campus tours, and I considered architecture to be an important part of my assessment of a school. Neo-gothic buildings, while beautiful, began to blur together very quickly.

    Gothic architecture is a notable feature of one campus, but not a university-defining one. There is no gothic architecture on the Lincoln Center campus, the Westchester campus, nor the Calder Center, nor Fordham London Center. New construction at Rose Hill adopts a contemporary style that, most charitably, is gothic-inspired. 

    Possessing old buildings constructed in neo-gothic style, widely popular within an institution’s niche for the time, contained within a single campus, is a limited foundation on which to build a contemporary global brand.

    To pin a particular architectural style to a multi-borough, multi-country, city-first university feels like a disservice at best, and disingenuous at worst. The tradition and architecture, as defined by the reel, seem to be one in the same: a certain style of old building. 

    The gothic inspiration is revealed to manifest in a blackletter, gothic-style capital F. To be clear, the letterform is not shaped by specific curves and corners of Rose Hill architecture, nor refined from a specific F cut in stone somewhere on campus. It is just gothic-inspired. 

    The F mark itself is inoffensive, even adequately constructed. It just doesn’t mean much.

    The gothic F ostensibly replaces the existing block-letter F used for merchandise and sports branding, though the gothic F is further elevated to the primary mark, used across almost all implementations of the brand, including athletics. For an academic institution to increase, not decrease, emphasis on and ubiquity of a big, red F seems to invite the usual jeers the Fordham community is used to in even greater numbers.

    The block F was an extremely simple lettermark, borne of design, printing, and embroidery constraints of old. By virtue of its antiquated beginning — compared to the pseudo-antiquated, gothic-inspired F — the block F communicated a specific brand of collegiate tradition. Far from clever or symbolic in its own right, the block F aligns with a pared-back view on university branding: the name is more important than the mark. Block letters are accepted collegiate visual vernacular: the more austere, the more retro; the simpler, the better-connected to time long past. 

    Longevity — enough to infuse history and meaning — beats clever design most days. Though the newcomer gothic F does not hold the same richness of significance, it is relied upon much more heavily in the new brand than the block F was in the old.

    The reel rolls on. The seal of Fordham University appears, then is grayed, and a shield shape is found within it. The shield contains the Christogram IHS, the central symbol on the Jesuit emblem. The Christogram is also grayed — the focus is drawn only to the outline of the shield.

    The shield is not uniquely shaped or proportioned. The particular shape does not itself feature prominently in Jesuit imagery. The university seal is not widely noted for the shield it contains. It is wholly without defining characteristic.

    The reel adds the shape to the primary mark — the gothic F layered on top of the shield shape. The music crescendoes; this is the big reveal.

    The shield would seem to have little reason to be elevated so. Like the F atop it, the shield as a symbol is set up to fail, robbed of significance. The most the shield shape can communicate, given a shield shape is ubiquitous in university seals and coats-of-arms, is that Fordham is, in fact, a learning institution. 

    Much like blackletter gothic type, shields are not limited to higher education, however. The mark could serve well as a luxury hotel chain, medieval castle conservatory, or line of high-end pens.

    Combined, the gothic F and shield mark can only communicate that Fordham may be a university, and it might also be old. Broad, shallow meaning is given priority — isolated, even; championed — and the resulting mark struggles to differentiate the brand among a given lineup of contemporary university marks. 

    It is a surface-level execution of the reel’s original premise: combining tradition and architecture. An invitation to search for deeper meaning — to be drawn into the complicated world of the university — is absent.

    Newer institutions attempting to affect an old-world, ivy look would arrive at a similar depth of meaning in a mark. To borrow a term from the world of post-millennial sports franchises, it’s not a throwback; it’s a fauxback.

    The full lockup fades into view. Narrow tolerances and sharp intersections created by layering the F over the shield bring tension to the mark. The letters below, in contrast, are unremarkable and smooth, with slightly flared pseudo-serifs so small and subtle as to be barely noticeable. The lockup is discordant — sharp and smooth, hair-fine and ultra-thick, nearly two different approaches — and it communicates very little, positive or otherwise, about the institution.

    The former wordmark is as intricate as the seal that accompanied it in the former lockup — finer, varied-weight lines, curving, near-organic serifs, and tight tracking. The seal itself, the purest and primary visual signifier of Fordham University, is worth more taken as a single symbol than as a collection of its many elements. Much like the shield shape, a seal is a common signifier of authority in academia and elsewhere — but unlike the shield alone, it has prominent, unique elements that help it to stand out, even when the finer details are ignored. 

    It was more to manage — a  bigger lift, I’m sure, to apply to some edge cases. The lockup is a more intricate, delicate visual balancing act of type, space, and legibility. The payoff for successful application, on the other hand, is visual richness equally full in meaning.

    Simplifying visual identities for screens was law at the dawn of social media, but the phones of the 2020s have more pixels than the human eye can discern. If the simplification of the primary lockup was a technical move, motivated by readability, such an arguable overcorrection replaces the quirks and visual signifiers of the old lockup with forgettable symbolism. 

    When less is more, the less conveys similar meaning in a deeper, more visually efficient way. The extra space is an invitation. The simpler forms have meaning behind every angle and color choice. When less is just less, meaning is traded for trendy aesthetics — and functionality, if you’re lucky.

    In a Logos and Branding class at Fordham University, I participated in a Q&A with Armin Vit, graphic designer and publisher/writer of Brand New, a chronicle and frequent editorial of high-profile rebrands as they happened. He told us “Designers love to talk shit. They love saying they could’ve done better, and they have no idea what went into the design process, or how many people they had to convince.”

    He was right, of course. Fordham’s rebrand — to my slight disappointment, only marked “noted,” not “reviewed” on Brand New — was their initiative alone, and all who worked on it surely worked hard and delivered to the best of their ability. Designers love to talk shit, and you’re reading it right now. 

    The lion’s share of community sentiment around Fordham’s first impression of the rebrand, however, didn’t discount effort. It didn’t criticize color, type, and layout. Some called it corporate, bland, discordant, trendy, nothing special, and too great of a change, to be sure.

    Most, however, just asked “Why?”

    Deeming a rebrand unnecessary is one of the most damning indictments an audience can hand out. With a legacy brand adapted to modern applications — as I experienced firsthand as a prospective student, attendee, and now alum — Fordham did not appear to be suffering from a brand that held itself back visually. On the copy end, Jesuit tenets and aspirational sloganeering with real-world meaning seemed to elevate Fordham above standard university marketing of the “leading,” “soaring,” “succeeding” ilk. In sum, and reflected in increasing admissions, new construction, rising tuition, and overflowing dorms, the Fordham brand appeared to be working.

    It matters why Fordham thought it necessary to rebrand — as the sizzle reel, supporting documentation and further posting paid little attention to the “Why” behind it all. 

    In a hostile comments section, the Fordham University Instagram account met most negative comments with a condescendingly corporate-cheerful, “bestie”-laden tone. The purpose of the interactions — or at least the objective as executed — seemed to be refuting criticism. Given the chance to acknowledge community concerns, redirect to positive aspects of the new brand, or simply provide a rationale — business, academic, or otherwise — for the initiative, the university chose snarky one-liners. 

    After a failed first impression, Fordham was on the defensive, chiding members of the community with internet slang for accusing the rebrand of missing the mark.

    Since the first announcement of the new brand, Fordham has published a few videos and rounded out top-line applications. Many Fordham-affiliated accounts have been made to adopt the exact same profile picture — not coordinated, not sporting fresh illustrations in the new brand style, not even color-differentiated. A parade of red Fs assemble at the top of my Instagram feed like a brutal report card. Any trace of the Ramses, the mascot, in the brand has been removed, not evolved.

    Applied for a week — all the video content, the webpages, the merch — the brand does little to assuage concerns expressed in the comments section of Fordham’s one shot at a first impression. 

    Visual cues, footage, copy, and even Fordham’s iconic maroon hat — a giveaway so common every student has at least one — seem flatter. They feel less unique. In forgoing actual tradition in favor of common signifiers of tradition, the rebrand’s primary motivation seems to be a very shallow, zero-sum idea of marketability. 

    The new brand feels like the New York I imagined as a suburban mid-Atlantic teenager, before I came to Fordham. The brand leverages basic, cookie-cutter identifiers of the city, the university, and the general pursuit of education at the expense of authenticity — the single most important buzzword in the conversation on how to market to Generation Z and younger.

    At every turn, the rebrand feels isolated from Fordham — or Fordham, seen from 30,000 feet. It reads like an outsider’s idea of what New York is like. It largely ignores the Bronx, only concerned with the campus inside Rose Hill’s spiked wrought-iron fence. It forgoes the Lincoln Square neighborhood and its cultural powerhouses in favor of wide-angle shots of the larger Manhattan skyline. 

    It is a strong recentering of Rose Hill as the main campus — despite enrollment testing dorm capacity at Lincoln Center — and on the way, it treats the city as an accessory; a destination to visit, not something to live within. 

    Would it come as any surprise that Ologie, the firm behind the rebrand, is based in Ohio?

    Would it further shock and stun that Ologie markets itself as a consultant exclusively for the academic field? A firm fully tapped into the trends of collegiate branding and marketing delivered a final product they knew would satisfy the aesthetic tastes of that world. A firm based hundreds of miles from the cultural and design capital of the nation, maybe the world — and largest city in the United States by millions and millions — made a brand formerly inextricable from the city it called home almost entirely independent of it. 

    In the new brand collateral — especially the first sizzle reel — there are no design, music, videography, or contributing credits shouting out Fordham students or graduates. Beyond focus groups and “participants” mentioned offhand, it seems Fordham neglected to use its own brain trust — or the top-of-market design resources of New York City — to inform the rebrand in any significant way. 

    For a cynic, the rebrand is in sum more faithful to the school’s value system in practice — and a more pragmatic summation of what draws wide swathes of bright suburban kids and their tuition dollars to New York. Whether this will further bolster application rates and convince more deep pockets and their progeny to wear Fordham maroon is yet to be seen, but the calculus is there. 

    That logic is void of aspiration; a contemporary data-driven coldness that equates a university’s profit with its value. This outlook sees a spoken desire to improve the world, no matter the cost, as ignorant idealism; a failure to play by today’s terms. It dismisses aspirational, heritage branding as functionally useless.

    While a more secular outward appearance is by definition marketable to a larger audience, the appeal of a Catholic institution more skeptical than dogmatic was an intriguing selling point when it came time to commit. An ancient order dedicated to the greater glory of creation was busy celebrating beauty and understanding the world around them, not mandating faith pledges and enforcing curfews, and they wanted people to come to their school with all their questions and doubts. The kind of person energized by that prospect seems like the ideal Fordham candidate; a value match beyond Sunday service.

    In the comments of the first reel, Fordham claimed to have developed the rebrand by community committee, citing alumni outreach that must have missed my inbox. Graphic design is a subjective profession, but that Thursday, beyond any technical critique, Fordham could not sell a brand to its own community that was engineered to be more marketable. There is a soullessness to the rebrand that any Fordham Ram, past or present, could pick out.

    The rebrand’s primary slogan is “For What Matters.” That’s not shortened in any way, nor is it an attempt at satire. Put another way, the slogan amounts to “We have values.” Making specific, stated values secondary to the idea of possessing principles results in just as flat an end product as any visual component of the new brand. Significance is sacrificed for trend and sizzle — executed bluntly. Turned back around on itself, the brand poses a hollow question: What matters? 

    In the face of a flat, derivative visual identity and an uninspiring message, there is no satisfying answer.

  • Prestige Is a Losing Game

    The next SAT test date is May 4.

    Across time zones, from Hong Kong to Honolulu to New York City, a morning of a healthy breakfast or thrown-up waffles or nothing at all and a fruitless review of hundred-dollar flashcards will occur again and again. 

    The students who will take it that day might have studied for months, even years. Maybe they’re taking it completely cold. With each passing hour, achievers high and low will file into testing centers, safe in the knowledge that with a handful of hours and cost of admission to lose, they have the world to gain.

    In quick succession, worn-down students around the world with high hopes and soaring dreams will undertake a $64.50, four-hour necessary evil. As high school juniors and seniors — and maybe even sophomores and freshmen — there’s nothing at all new about the SAT. Sure, they (most likely) haven’t seen the questions yet, but what’s one more college-crucial measurement of worth? What’s one more bubbled-in identity — race, religion, future plans, sex, age, summation of all previous experience to be judged as such?

    What’s one more test?

    It’s no revelation that standardized testing is worthy of criticism. Anyone filling in a Scantron this May 4 knows full well they’re playing a game of memory recall and who-can-pay-for-the-most-prep. They must believe their investment will have a return.

    It’s an understanding that comes with the price of admission: we’re all here to get into a good school.

    Prestige is on the line. High schoolers’ ambition to prove — to themselves, to their parents, to their teachers — that they’re worth something makes the exclusivity and selectivity of the highest of higher education the gold standard.

    It’s one thing to tell a starry-eyed junior that, when it comes to picking schools, they’re buying, not selling — but doesn’t every minivan-buyer dream of that irresponsible, irrational two-door sports car? 

    Given the buying abilities of powerful credentials, it’s suddenly much less rational to dig through shelves upon shelves of schools when the shiniest ones are right in the front.

    With a pocket full of 1600s, heartfelt letters and selfies with kids in Ghana, it’s so tantalizingly easy to scoff at the people who say your money can’t buy you happiness.

    But it won’t.

    I had none of the above in my pocket. I did fine on my tests and got good grades, and I got a small taste of what it feels like to be patted on the head for a role well played. I paid my dues, and opportunities glimmered before me, indifferent, as I fawned over their hypnotizing glow.

    I could picture wearing the sweatshirt to family gatherings, having aunts and uncles ooh and aah at the name of the fancy university I would attend. I imagined going to classes and sports games and it all being just a little different because of the prestige I had dutifully earned.

    I never thought about the friends I’d make, wherever I’d end up. It didn’t concern me who my professors would be, or what I would be inspired to create, or what clubs I’d join. In wanting to join something bigger than myself, I fell into the trap that snares every student far too confident in their wax wings: I lost myself.

    Appropriately, we attend a crash-site littered with Columbia and NYU rejects (and, unfortunately, soon-to-be transfers). So many starry-eyed high schoolers got a pat on the back and a false invitation to reach blindly for the shiniest stars of them all — and they ended up at the place with the free application and just enough financial aid to please their parents.

    We go to a school where everything — the education, the faith, the social life and the city — is exactly as much as what we make of it. No more, no less. Its indifference teaches us the lesson we needed to hear but never wanted to accept.

    Some of us are proud to call Fordham our home; others still feel the sting of rejection. To the latter: be glad that life disrupted your best-laid plans. Be glad it might eventually change your priorities, too. The prestige of a school will never be the deciding factor in your ultimate success, but your ultimate failure has this blind faith in prestige at the very center.

    Make a choice. Choose to accept life as a test without time limits and scores that don’t matter. Your life is yours more than any diploma or sweatshirt or hallowed name could ever say. Higher education is supposed to be where you learn to become an adult. Don’t let childish dreams of prestige stunt your personal growth.

    On May 4, high schoolers will take the SAT, some for the very first time. I hope they remember to eat a good breakfast, bring extra pencils and clear the memory on their calculator.

    I hope they don’t let it define them as much as I let it define me.

  • Free the Pimple: Puberty Chic Going Through Changes

    Being American and going through puberty is a unique tradition of ours. It’s an experience that unites across religion, color, creed and privilege — up to a decade or more of awkwardness, mental and physical, is indeed the single greatest instance of evolutionary hazing — and rightly the bedrock of our nation.

    And it sucks.

    Anthropologist Margaret Mead took a look at adolescents on faraway islands and told us about as much — that the moody, angsty, self-conscious and sexually-repressed youth given hours of homework a night over in the land of the free aren’t exactly the gold standard of formative human development.

    No citizen is safe. Sooner or later, we get pimples. Everywhere. Our voices change. We get lumps in weird places. Sometimes, we want everyone to die. Sometimes, we feel like dying ourselves. We try to blend in and stand out at the same time like camo pants in a K-Mart: poorly on both accounts.

    Oh, and we’re so unbelievably horny.

    As American bodies transition from childhood to adulthood, the imbalanced brains that pilot them are just as developmentally wonky and even more vulnerable. Sadly, barring the collapse of capitalism and a collective change of heart in the next couple of years, kids and teens in America will be treated the same way their parents were, and their parents before them — knowing that they’re changing, knowing that they’re disproportionate and never being equipped with enough information to handle it.

    And they’ll continue to have that unshakable feeling that no one understands them or what they’re going through until they’re old enough and have clear enough skin to pretend like it never happened.

    Where do brace-faced, tent-pantsed American pubescents turn for validation? It’s too risky to depend on parents. Their knowledge of labia and scrota too often calls into question their very parenthood.

    When bad grades and weird hairs get them down, kids and teenagers need a distraction.

    So, they turn on the TV. They go to the movies. They open Netflix.

    The depiction of high school life on screens big and small is perhaps an equally American tradition. Nostalgia, our national pastime, drives us to seek out representations of our past — the “That ’70s Shows,” the “Greases” and the “Goldbergses” of our time provide us with just such an outlet. They give us a taste of the past — our past, perhaps, with an accuracy more rosy than rosacea. Do you picture it in your mind yet? Do visions of 30-year-olds pretending to be teenagers dance through your head?

    America has been crushing on puberty chic big time.

    “Pretty Little Liars” would perhaps be more accurate if the actors were shown going out for drinks after third period or filling out rental car forms. Jason Earles, a 39-year-old man, played Hannah Montana’s co-star Jackson Stewart. Did we hear about his character’s nocturnal emissions? His struggle with sexual identity? Did we see a single pimple?

    Nobody put Baby in a corner, but they certainly cast her 17-year-old character with a woman 10 years her senior.

    It’s spelled out plainer than a TV show teacher’s name underlined on a green chalkboard: we’re ashamed of what we looked like in middle school. We cringe at what we did, how we dressed and whom we crushed on in high school.

    Instead of looking back and laughing, we go to great lengths to convince ourselves and everyone around us that high school wasn’t like that for us. We were cool, wore leather jackets and had a fully-settled facial bone structure. Puberty chic is so ingrained in American pop culture — we’re so ashamed of our first periods in first period — that we risk passing our revisionist habits on to the next generation.

    Alas, we’re not out of the woods yet. Contemporary shows like “Sex Education” on Netflix get the second part right — that growing up doesn’t have to be a taboo subject — but the message falls flat when it’s told by a 22-year-old.

    It’s discouraging to walk the line this way, implying that the validation of kids and teens is valuable but that they’re just too unfit to deliver the message themselves. Is it too much to ask to have a movie called “Eighth Grade” played entirely by actual eighth graders?

    However, the trend could be starting to reverse. Only now have we started to dab the Tretinoin gel of reality on the angry, swelling zit of puberty denial, or so I hope.

    “Big Mouth” is the biggest ray of hope for such a counter-movement. The smash Netflix hit, two seasons in and going strong, chronicles in vivid detail middle school kids fighting mood swings, questioning their sexualities and getting their first periods at the Statue of Liberty. Though their voice actors are far beyond their pubescent years, the animated characters are undeniably, often grotesquely teenage.

    That the brash, vulgar lessons of the show have resonated so much with audiences suggests that it’s now as cool as ever to talk about sex and growing up in a genuine way. The people who need to hear it most get the message, and those who’ve been through it already might even crack a smile as they begrudgingly relate.

    This representation and validation are long overdue. We’ve made steps in the right direction, but we have a ways to go before facing the ugly truth goes completely mainstream. Puberty chic isn’t cool — and neither are America’s adolescents — but representation certainly is.

  • Millennials are Ruining Award Shows

    The past months have not been kind to back-slappers.

    Much like the silver-haired lifetime achievement-accepting stars who unfurl their scroll of thank-you’s on primetime television, American award shows aren’t aging all that well. The most recent Grammys, Emmys, Oscars, Golden Globes, Espys and even the usually rock-solid Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards all suffered notable declines in ratings from previous years.

    We live in a unique time: At no other point in recorded history have we been less motivated to turn on the TV and watch the Emmys.

    Scapegoats are myriad. Some point fingers at the social media streaming of events as the explanation for the dismal drop in viewership of the 2018 Grammys. Others bemoan prime-time competitors stealing viewers. The loudest cry from the consuming masses, however, is the most concerning — and most infuriating. It would appear that, for the crucial 18 to 40-year-old viewing bracket, award shows just aren’t doing it for them anymore. 

    Suddenly, lavish galas, expensive dresses and long speeches — broken up by live performances from artists who should really, really consider performing exclusively in the recording studio — are boring a certain demographic of Americans. The Hollywood Elite and Common Man no longer share those special nights of extravagant wealth and gratuitous hugging and kissing the way we used to.

    Horrifying, surely. 

    When Americans stop crowding around the television to watch Andy Samberg tell Catholic-homily-caliber jokes, it’s a good indicator that our society is beginning to rot from the inside. The moment we cannot come together and listen to Hillary Clinton read “Fire and Fury” at the Grammys, our tone-deafness has reached levels even autotune can’t salvage.

    We’ve changed. No longer do we champion the classy serial killer question, “Who are you wearing?” Less-than-scrupulous elections from “academies” and “colleges” don’t rile us up like they used to, especially when our favorite creepy fish film won anyway. 

    We know who’s ruining award shows for the rest of us. After discovering the killers of Applebee’s, diamonds, jogging and fabric softener, we know exactly who to blame.

    Millennials, a blanket term for young people who do things I don’t like, are the single biggest killers of all things good and wholesome. Millennials are “entitled.” They “text” their dastardly emojis at all hours of the day. They “Venmo” their friends and have no time for Facebook, where the best news comes from. 

    They are a generation raised on tokens of false accomplishment. Tee-ball trophies. Spelling Bee participant medals. Stickers simply for showing up to the grocery store. The “Me Me Me” generation grew up over-validated and lazy, yet they refuse to sit on the couch and endure hours of entertainment industry workers congratulate themselves on a job well done? After all this time, they’ve picked now to go sour on trophies?

    Hollywood stars, the most morally-reliable and ethically-admirable people out there, are rightful and justified role models for a generation that, apparently, would much rather stream a “Twitch” than ogle Lady Gaga in a Valentino dress worth more than their entire student debt. The absolute nerve.

    It’s disgusting. The hallowed tradition of watching celebrities trip their way up to a podium to announce the winner of a category you didn’t know existed, only to comment at your screen “wow, he got really old” is somehow not enough for the youth. It’s hard to imagine what more they could possibly want.

    I fear a future populated by award shows more tailored to the twisted millennial persuasion. I shudder to think of catching a glimpse of a first annual Meme Awards or, worse yet, a funny opening monologue from a host that wants to be there as I flip between reruns of Modern Family. 

    If millennials have their way, award shows as we know it will cease to exist. When young people start to impose their views on the status quo, we don’t need an Academy, church jokes or gilded envelopes to tell us who wins. Everyone loses. 

    Millennials, young people and anyone who’d rather “floss” a “Fortnite” than floss their own teeth: Do the right thing. Buy into award shows like the rest of us. We had to sit through them; you should, too.

  • The IKEA Veggie Dog: An Odyssey

    To be a vegan in 2018 is to be a creature of pilgrimage. We catch wind of a restaurant on the verge of adopting plant-based menu items and we immediately set to planning our trip. Word gets around that a store finally serves Beyond Meat burgers or a single dish without cheese, and there’s (metaphorical) blood in the water. We grind our herbivorous molars in anticipation. We tremble with equal parts excitement and vitamin deficiency. The hunt begins.

    Through the ages, the decision to travel vast distances in the name of an honorable cause has sparked the most influential human migrations in history. Some sought religious freedom, others a new life and a fresh start. Some went into the unknown in search of riches beyond their wildest dreams. I was looking for something to break the monotony of PB&J sandwiches for lunch.

    Leaning against a lamp post in front of Brooklyn’s Borough Hall, I imagined the cautious optimism and noble urgency within me must have been what my ancestors felt as they crossed the Atlantic. They put up with decaying, decrepit transport. I took the downtown A. They were hungry. So was I.

    I pulled up to the curb in front of Borough Hall with my ticket to the lunch I had been waiting for. Weeks of salivating, practicing my order and rehearsing the steps of my daunting pilgrimage culminated with a six-row shuttle bus — a sight I could only imagine was as glorious as my forefathers’ first glimpse of Lady Liberty’s shining torch. The paper taped crookedly to the inside of the door read: “IKEA.”

    The promised land beckoned.

    Much like how early Man crossed the Bering Strait in his ultimate quest to survive and thrive on Earth, I journeyed to the most populous borough of New York City in search of one thing and one thing only: the new IKEA veggie dog.

    Introduced to America on Sept. 25, it joined veggie meatballs within the Swedish home furnishing Mecca’s movement towards plant-based eating and sustainability throughout the company’s offerings.

    As a seasoned vegan myself, I know that it’s a cruel, cruel world we live in, and all veggie dogs are not created equal. Some have uncannily-snappy casings, like the Yves Good Dog. Others maintain the comforting mushiness of Loma Linda’s canned Big Franks. Some are big, some are small; from seitan to vital wheat gluten, textured vegetable protein to just plain marinated carrots — I’ve given each dog its day. But the IKEA veggie dog could be different: a product of a company dedicated to giving its customers a veritable bang for their buck. This dog had the chance to lift my lunch to top-shelf eating — or shatter my expectations flatter than a POANG chair.

    My disappointment was evident the moment I set foot in the shimmering hospital-white confines of the IKEA cafeteria. I suppose I can’t accuse IKEA of lacking balls; after all, the meatballs were where they should be — where they always are. Their veggie alternatives were assembled in trays right beside them. The Dog, however, was nowhere to be found.

    Had I read the press release wrong? Was this specific IKEA refusing to serve the veggie dog? Was my pilgrimage in vain? I choked back bitter tears as I picked at my veggie balls, quinoa and mixed vegetables. Lingonberry drink did little to dull the pain of knowing I had come so far for nothing. I gathered myself and cleared my plate, safe in the knowledge that my food waste would be converted into biogas or something. I had to press on, to reach the checkout, to prove that I had reached the finish line with my ego intact.

    Countless tastefully-decorated (yet so unbelievably affordable!) house tours later, I trudged through the self-service furniture warehouse ready to go home. Like an explorer sent to uncover riches but forced to return empty-handed, I felt foolish to ever entertain this journey in the first place. No one takes the subway 12 stops for veggie balls.

    The checkout counters beeped mockingly at me. The sliding doors welcomed my defeat and the shuttle stood ready to put an end to my fruitless pilgrimage.

    Suddenly, I looked up — did my eyes deceive me? Was it an illusion sent from the gods to torment me as they did the wanderer Jason? No, friends, it was true — before my eyes danced a digital depiction of what I had sought after all this time. Of course! The IKEA Bistro, situated beside the Swedish Market and past the checkout lines, had the veggie dog all along.

    The hairnetted, grey-eyed woman who took my order seemed to know how far I’d come, and I must have been jittering with anticipation — and hunger, surely, after walking through the entire store. I received the warm, perfectly-assembled IKEA veggie dog in trembling hands and scurried to an empty seat, hunched over like some sort of goblin. I pulled back the paper wrapping and wept with joy.

    The dog itself is an exquisite combination of red lentils, kale, carrots and ginger, spiced to perfection to match the savory taste of its veggie ball counterpart. Its constitution falls into a sacred middle ground of satisfying texture, tenderness and completely free from the sneaking suspicion that one is eating something with any sort of “casing” on it. The veggie dog does not need to be contained, nor should it be. Its flavors, in tandem with the sweet pickled cabbage and crunchy fried onions that graced it like a delicious tiara, are what every dog, meaty or otherwise, aspires to deliver.

    The peace of mind that one of IKEA’s plant-based offerings takes seven times less carbon dioxide to make than its meaty counterparts only heightens the euphoria of eating this divine dog. Great taste combined with moral superiority is a potent mixture, and IKEA treads this line with the utmost grace.

    I needed no printed instructions to properly eat the IKEA veggie dog. Like a screw into a perfectly pre-drilled hole in a KLIPPAN sofa, it went down easy. With a full stomach and arms laden with Swedish cookies for the road, I proudly made my way back home. My quest was a success. I plan to return soon — and this time I’ll know where to look. But until then, I maintain my solemn vow to relentlessly scour vegan cooking blogs and the Beyond Meat Twitter account, just as those before me pored over incomplete, unreliable maps of their time — always in search of the next pilgrimage.

  • Thanksgiving: The Holiday of Moral Qualms

    There is no holiday more shrouded in ethical angst, more clouded with moral ambiguity than Thanksgiving. It is only fitting that November, the bitter, neglected child of the calendar year, has once again brought us face-to-face with the one day off that carries enough baggage to ground an airplane. 

    Thanksgiving has made its name on a sense of unity and family, but we see through the tryptophan sham. This fourth Thursday of November, it will once again be time to gather the family ’round the table to confront the ethical conundrums that muddy the gravy of this feast of farce.

    To unleash unease is only in the holiday spirit.

    The easiest target is enough to make even the most patriotic AP U.S. History student squirm with moral turmoil: the “First Thanksgiving” that graces the pages of children’s books and “Peanuts” specials the world over. It may be old news by now that friends, buttered toast, jelly beans and popcorn do not quite represent the selfless gesture from Native Americans to struggling European colonists immortalized in many a terrible school play. Did you want an extra helping of genocide with your mashed potatoes?

    Does the inevitable backstabbing of epic proportions that followed the iconic meal we annually seek to replicate boil your blood hotter than a thousand pots of corn on the cob? Is it the meat sweats, or does the irony of giving thanks on stolen land make you perspire?

    Now you’re getting into the spirit.

    In the interest of maximizing stress throughout the holiday, one might seek to bring up the United Nations Climate Report once more — you know, the one that says we’re doomed as a species if we can’t change our ways and work towards a more sustainable tomorrow. Atop the list of horrible human habits that turn up the heat on planet Earth: eating meat. It really just isn’t Thanksgiving unless each turkey leg and sliver of roast beef fills you with the unshakable notion that the carbon emissions and ultimate sacrifice of innocent life to fill your stomach weren’t entirely worth it — on your way up for thirds. A soggy block of tofu is more symbolic of the season than turkey ever was, after all.

    The televised military tribunal our country holds every year does little to lighten the mood. Thanksgiving may be unique in its position as the only holiday marked with a presidential pardon. Members of a foreign species stand trial for their right to exist, walk free by the benevolence of our enlightened despot and, assumedly, return to tell their friends about the might of the United States — if they’re not already cooked up and served. 

    This may be too harsh a judgement. Perhaps the shifty eyes, twiddling fingers and crescendoing gastrointestinal distress are entirely separate from the unsettling air of the season. The knife-cuttable tension around this year’s feast of folly may very well have another, even more callous source: gluttonous sequels you just can’t wait to celebrate.

    The holiday, sufficiently dreadful on its own, continues to find ways to absorb other weaker sources of gloom, much like an imploding star. Black Friday and Thanksgiving are one and the same, and you know you love it. The sense of urgency that accompanies food prep for the big day is but a pregame for the adrenaline to come, as visions of white-knuckled grips on shopping carts dance in the heads of Black Friday veterans. Turning one’s ear away from the commotion in Best Buy reveals another, even sweeter sound of impending stress: sleigh bells. Halloween is far in the rearview, and Thanksgiving is the perfect harbinger of snow, ice, mall Santas and Walmart layaway.

    If the pumpkin pie-fueled regret and self-loathing haven’t kicked in yet, be safe with the knowledge that Thanksgiving, in one way or another, will do its part to stuff you full of ethical turmoil and stressful conflict before the last plate is cleaned. If you, like millions of Americans, look forward to taking this single day out of the year to be thankful, be forewarned: you’ll have no choice but to face the impossible contextual nuances, ethical quandaries and boats upon boats of muddy gravy that give twisted life to the holiday, lumps and all.

  • Celebrities Should Not Have Opinions

    I’m sorry, the old, apolitical Taylor can’t come to the phone right now. Why? Oh — because she’s a Democrat.

    2009 was a simpler time. On Sept. 13, on national television, rapper Kanye West snatched the microphone from up-and-coming pop-country darling Taylor Swift at the MTV Video Music Awards and insisted that indeed, he would let her finish, but Beyoncé had one of the best videos of all time. It was delicious drama, a high-profile feud that would satisfy the population for months on end.

    It’s 2018, and Swift and West are once again in the headlines. No, West didn’t storm another stage to feed his fans’ appetites for zany antics (as of printing). Swift didn’t rehash an old relationship for the public’s enjoyment, either. They did something worse: they voiced their opinions. Worse yet — political opinions.

    The fun’s over. Thanks Taylor, now the world knows you’re anything but red.

    Nine short years from that fateful VMA broadcast, it’s clear that Taylor Swift’s recent endorsement of Democratic candidates in her home state of Tennessee has hit a nerve. Never mind that Kanye’s scarlet headgear habits as of late only bolster his reputation for erratic and inflammatory public statements. But we expected more from Taylor. Who could have imagined in their wildest dreams that the singer-songwriter would keep up with current events, much less formulate and express her rational, well-articulated views on politics?

    A powerful and — worse yet — popular woman in America thinks she has the right to weigh in on the state of the nation? This is why we can’t have nice things.

    Reception of Swift’s brazen partisanship has been rightfully chilly. President Trump has been confirmed to listen to her music a whopping 25 percent less because of it, moving her hit “22” down at least eight spots on his Golf Jams playlist. “Getaway Car” on Putin’s personal mixtape gets skipped almost every time, per top White House sources. Scathing treatment on the national stage, but warranted — there was a delicate balance in the entertainment world, and Swift has created major bad blood with her refusal to be completely ignorant of local elections and the American two-party system.

    How can we restore order and reestablish the blank space between artists with opinions and the rest of us? Where is our savior, Kanye West, to wrench the microphone away from Swift once more?

    At a nationally televised meeting with the president, of course. Just when the world thought West had decided to stick to tattered thousand-dollar cardigans and funky footwear, he’s treated us to a madcap red cap rodeo with the promise of a presidential campaign in 2024 — letting Trump finish a potential second term, true to form. Trump supporters loved it; critics were quick to criticize. In the end, however, Kanye was just wasting the president’s executive time. 

    Don’t be fooled — it’s not just the controversial duo spouting their personal views like anyone cares; even more artists have jumped on the ridiculous express-how-you-feel-about-current-events bandwagon. Chance the Rapper recently endorsed a political candidate in his hometown of Chicago, Amara Enyia, for mayor — a move as audacious as it is unprecedented for the artist that has been known to shy away from any sort of community involvement whatsoever. He’s not Chance the Sociopolitical Advocate, after all.

    Where has this plague of celebrity endorsement come from? Everyone except the President of the United States of America must very reasonably have a seasoned background in politics before they open their mouths. It only makes sense that we leave the big decisions and political endorsements to the experts. Would you really want a singer telling you who you should support in the next election? A rapper? To the blue collar, salt-of-the-earth families of America, their trust in pale, pudgy politicians in expensive suits is well placed.

    What’s that? Donald Trump is a celebrity, too? Impossible — NBC has no plans to bring back his show, the failing Celebrity Apprentice. Our president won the election without the crutches of star power or cheap persuasion tactics, and he governs with the same disdain for spectacle. Ask anyone who agrees with him; they’ll tell you the same thing: His opinion matters.

    People with power whose views I don’t agree with using their platform to push personal beliefs is shameless and counterproductive to our democracy. Celebrities getting fearless about their political views must stop. It’s time to put an end to beloved contemporary icons sticking their noses where they don’t belong. You can keep your two cents, Taylor — all we care about is your music. And not even 75 percent as much as we used to.

    Taylor, would you please return to your roots and be an impartial, oblivious music maker that never leaves the house? I wish you would. Artists, personalities, Instagram influencers, take note: Americans and political consciousness are never, ever getting back together.

  • Fighting Extremism with Extremism

    The neo-Nazis’ tiki torches glow near.

    In this dark hour for America, reason, honor and dignity have failed us. Centrism and compromise are the new worst c-words. The alt-right tips the spectrum radically right, and radical leftists swing in the opposite direction. The last time the president of the United States reached across the aisle was to grab a diet coke from Air Force One’s mini fridge.

    We live in an era of extremism.

    Radicals on both sides have led their followers off the same cliff, and America is sick and tired of terrible solutions where everyone wins a little and loses a little. We’ve tried all the conventional remedies to the internal conflicts that plague us — It’s high time we try the rest of them. The playbook is out the window; in a country plagued by extremism and acute lack of compassion, we can’t beat ’em. We might as well join ’em.

    It’s clear to see our dysfunctional government is beyond saving. The time for understanding has passed. To hell with Smokey the Bear, let’s fight fire with fire.

    Extremism is the much-needed antidote to America’s problem with extremism. The current situation calls for a reactionary movement like no other; one that doubles down so hard on any existing extreme values that it comes full circle in opposition. We’ve fostered a population ravenous for outrage and itching for change. Let’s give them what they want.

    The economy must be the first to experience the tender ham-fists of extremism. Some scream, “The economy is good! The market is bull!” Others say something dumb along the lines of “The economy is not represented by the stock market, as only 50 percent of Americans own stock!” From one side of the aisle, people yell “Extreme regulation is harming business!” All the way from the other dirtier, grosser, stupider side, Neanderthals counter that “Extreme deregulation is irreversibly poisoning the earth and disproportionately affecting the already disenfranchised!” It’s hopeless. We really can’t seem to reach a conclusion with such wildly conflicting, blindly radical positions on our current capitalist structure. 

    The solution? Throw it out. Restructure the American economy into a feudal agrarian superpower free from acronyms, Dows, Walls, streets and those red and green arrows that make people so mad. Underemployment? Impossible to track if everyone’s a farmer. Much of the world’s currency manifests in something other than physical cash. This extreme, dogmatic worship of invisible, intangible, arbitrarily-valued squiggly symbols is tearing our country apart. We must counter it with a complete reversal to the barter system. Wampum is also acceptable.

    The scope of extremism doesn’t end there. We are altogether too worried in this day and age about healthcare — whether we need it, whether we deserve it and whether any government has an obligation to provide “affordable care,” if you will, regardless of one’s economic situation. Taking into consideration one’s right to continue to live? A little far-fetched indeed. We are called upon in this moment to abolish modern medicine, letting natural selection do its work to thin the herds. By some estimates, this revolutionary strategy will cut the amount of people with poor vision in half by 2090, letting our four-eyed friends with outdated prescriptions fall victim to tiger attacks like nature intended. This is the only way Americans can put a stop to the elites’ pushing of radical views down our (possibly strep-infected) throats.

    Bringing fresh, new extremist values to fruition in America does not stop with simply the economy and healthcare — no, there is much more work to be done if extremism is to be repealed and replaced.

    America is a country known worldwide for its extreme eating. However, our red-blooded hotdog eating contests risk extinction in the face of reactionary health militants. We’ve seen the screaming, blood-throwing, vitamin B12-deficient vegans take over our streets and flood our supermarkets with their meaty falsehoods. No more; it is our duty to counter with radical meat and dairy consumption. Only venison milkshakes and egg yolk sundaes can save us, and not a moment too soon — Radical health culture was most assuredly on the verge of making us live long enough to deal with the consequences of our actions. Our heart attack numbers have been middling lately; we can make heart disease great again.

    Moreover, desperate times surely call for desperate measures. Centimeters, for example. Celsius. Perhaps describing our weight in stone is what this country needs. Stick it to the status quo and measure your french fries in Paris Inches (Freedom Inches?). In lieu of leaders we can trust, we must turn to liters we can count on. Do extreme conditions in our country call us to go to equally ridiculous lengths to oppose them? The point ’Smoot. 

    These are but some of the wide-ranging extremes we can go to in order to snatch Uncle Sam from the jaws of extremism. 

    Some may shy away from these modestly-proposed solutions. That means they’re what our country most desperately needs. Finding solutions and being irrationally angry were once mutually-exclusive, but our country demands that we come up with ill-conceived, reactionary ways to counter our knee-jerk, blindly-extremist sorry state of affairs. 

    Jump on the radical train before it’s too late. After all, extremist views win elections and get the most screen time. Most importantly, they get a reaction out of lazy, politically-apathetic radical moderates weary of the ping-pong of extremism and too millennial or something to check their morals at the door and join in the fun like the rest of us. I really hate those guys.

    Our politics are extreme, our weather is extreme, and lately, we’ve been flirting with unity enough to warrant some legitimate concern. We have no choice but to perpetuate the cycle recklessly for our own amusement. The future is in our irresponsible hands, America. 

    So are you in or what?

  • Evil Meatless Impossible Slider Must Be Stopped

    Eating meat is about as American as apple pie, drone strikes and — quite literally — fast food hamburgers.

    However, a new threat looms on the horizon: vegans and their non-committal friends, vegetarians, are going mainstream. At first, the plant-based eating movement seemed harmless enough, quarantined to communities of rich people with nothing better to do and too much time to think about the morality of their actions. It was once a passing fad, relegated to subheadings in “Women’s Health” and fond memories of ex-hippies. But times have changed. This new unhealthy obsession with health and unamerican aversion to animal products is tearing down our shared culture as we know it, and it must be stopped.

    Unfortunately, American fast food chains, fingers ever-present on the sluggish pulse of the nation, have been quick to respond to the plant-based craze. Today, vegan depravity is everywhere; worse yet, it’s affordable. We shook our heads in dismay when McDonald’s tested a “McVegan” in Europe. We watched aghast as TGI Fridays debuted a “Beyond Meat” burger in January. But will we stand by and let the greatest mainstay of American culture fall to the radical vegan agenda? Will we allow the hallowed parapets of freedom to crumble under the weight of a couple kale-consumers?

    Too late. As of April 12, 2018, White Castle has fallen. The Impossible Slider is here.

    On April 12, the fine eating establishment famous for its classic sliders colloquially known as “belly bombers” and “rectum rockets” welcomed a sinister addition to its menu: a burger sporting a patty of nefarious origin. White Castle’s Impossible Sliders pack onions, pickles, lies, deception and the Impossible Burger — a misleading meaty masquerade — between their buns. The amalgamation of plant protein is produced by the startup Impossible Foods and is meant to imitate and replace the classic beef patty. This is preposterous, impassable, inconceivable, unthinkable, impractical, insurmountable and downright improbable. Much like the steam engine, iron lung and self-checkout kiosks, it will never be the same as good old flesh and blood. 

    This beguiling burger was made available in all New York, New Jersey and Chicago locations, including the White Castle mere steps from the gates of Fordham University’s Rose Hill campus. As a faithful Jesuit institution, we know God gave us cows because they’re so delicious. Are plant-based cultists really trying to one-up the Big Man? One look at White Castle’s menu says yes. Surely, just as Frankenstein’s monster sought revenge on his creator for his unnatural, cursed existence, so too will humanity face its $8, two-sliders-fries-and-a-drink comeuppance. The Cursed Castle is playing God, and we’ll all pay.

    What’s worse, our arsenal of comebacks and self-justifications against the vegan menace is dwindling. With White Castle’s meatless sliders, gone are the days of the anemic, emaciated vegan stereotype. What’s more, the rich, twig-eating suburban strawman is a thing of the past. The diabolical anti-meat powers-that-be have used White Castle to widen the scope of unnatural meat alternatives, and in their quest to make plant-based food more accessible, an $8 Impossible combo may sadly be too enticing for many red-blooded Americans to resist. How ironic that a greasy, alabaster castle now stands to symbolize accessibility, progress and lower blood pressure.

    That being said, the fact of the matter remains: a meal without animal cruelty just doesn’t feel right. Eating red meat and processed meat without the exhilarating knowledge that you’re ingesting known carcinogens just isn’t the American way. Feeling like a piece of garbage for pulling into a White Castle drive-thru at 2 a.m. and ordering a Crave Case containing 30 all-beef sliders is a bona fide rite of passage for citizens everywhere. Impossible meatless sliders soften the pointed, useful life lessons contained in this experience, and consuming the flesh of sentient beings in the parking lot under the dirty glow of a White Castle sign is a constitutional right. Vegans should not meddle with this delicate ritual. It is downright sick to disallow a cow to die a noble death for the benefit of a self-hatred-fueled 2 a.m. burger binge.

    Alas, the damage is already done. In the game of carnivorous chess, the vegans are always one move ahead. Americans may feel helpless to stop the flow of alternative meats into their favorite eating establishments, but they’re certainly not alone. The vegans have blood on their hands, and dutiful omnivores worldwide will continue to resist — in the name of freedom, tradition and the pursuit of cholesterol. Unlike other Missions Impossible, it must be ensured that the sequels end here. Thanks, but no thanks, radical plant-munchers, we’ll keep vegetables in their rightful place: the wilted, flavorless eighth of the plate that gets scraped into the garbage bin when nobody’s looking. 

    We’re very content with our current worldviews, thank you very much. Meat is meat, change is scary and nutrition is just about as legitimate as vaccines. The plant-based community can’t waltz into America now and expect us to dance to their repulsively ethical tune. White Castle is on the wrong side of history. You can’t tell America to eat less meat; it would be downright impossible.

    But, then again, so are those sliders.

  • Fordham’s War on Color

    Ask anyone at Fordham: they’ll tell you they don’t see color.

    I do.

    There’s a problem at Fordham College at Lincoln Center. It’s stained into our very walls and confronts us no matter where we turn. It has painted our school as a place of confusion, turmoil and discord—and it’s a veritable rejection of our history. It’s time someone said something.

    Fordham has a color problem. Maroon, to be exact.

    A quick trip to Fordham’s website (or asking the nearest Jesuit) will quickly reveal that Fordham’s school color is indisputably, undeniably maroon. Not orange, not purple, not burgundy, not cordovan, not even claret. However, a quick trip through the Lincoln Center campus suggests otherwise, and the problem is only getting worse. Discordant color combos abound. We’re losing our identity shade by shade. It’s a difficult truth, but it must be said: we look like Bootleg Fordham.

    Take the front façade of the Leon Lowenstein Center, for example—and how it’s bafflingly, bewilderingly blue. Prospective students gathered for tours must be constantly confused: is this Fordham, or some azure knock-off? Of course, the color dysphoria compounds as any comprehensive Fordham visit continues through our more updated underground passageways sporting the latest in inoffensive, wall-to-wall gray hues. The deafening assault on the senses is truly exhilarating; a visual representation of Fresh Air with Terry Gross played at full volume.

    Or perhaps consider Lincoln Center’s infamous stretch of barren hallway affectionately nicknamed the “Green Mile”: walls behind the Law School lobby painted a head-scratching pistachio. I misspeak—only one wall of the corridor bears the offending pigment. The other side, blindingly white, reflects the green in a way that gives the casual passerby an impression that he or she has entered a minty liminal space between two dimensions.

    I cannot paint this more heavy-handedly—the situation is bleak. The colors are careless. The last remaining stalwarts of maroon languish in the floors of Lowenstein, and cracking open a Sherwin Williams and vigilante-painting in the dead of night doesn’t seem so bad anymore. 

    But mere weeks ago, a spark of hope emerged: a chance to turn the tide in the Fordham Color War. The renovated sixth floor reopened, undoubtedly redecorated and repainted that quintessential Fordham maroon. Right?

    The sixth floor, styled in the sterile, office-building chic we’ve come to know and tolerate, was in fact smattered in green. Disgustingly verdant accent walls and upholstery stretch as far as the eye can see in this sparkling slap in the face to everything Fordham purports to stand for. Great risk accompanies falling asleep in the new classrooms; one may awake under the impression they’ve been teleported into a hospital waiting room. The powers that be have gifted us glittering classrooms, natural lighting and all the fancy Dyson hand dryers we could ever want. But they’re not fooling me. I stand against the Green Agenda.

    We’ve forgotten our school colors. It’s time we remembered them. Any semblance of cohesive identity (while bolstered by our single Ram statue) is gone the minute the last wall is graced in green. There are no intramural sports at this campus. We have no pool table. The school pastime is staying indoors. If all we have to cling to is paint swatches, so be it.

    The raucous cacophony of color must end. Fordham has what it takes to reconcile with maroon and make a full recovery. But if fears that maroon is too far gone—that an official color change is in order—we are equally lost. Do we retain the azure signage of the main entrance or the verdant walls and accents of our newer additions? The grimy beige of Lowenstein classroom walls or the vaguely white hues of cinder block tunnels?

    Only time will tell. We await the fate of the Fordham color palette with a fervor of college students with nothing better to do. Until then, I beg of you: resist the Green Menace. Reject the deep blue scene. Pray the gray away. End the Fordham Color War.

    We are neither an office building—nor a waiting room—nor a minty interdimensional hallway. We’re a university—a maroon one, no less. Let’s act like it.