Category: Opinion

You can admit it. You’ve seen the headlines. Wildfires. Hurricanes. Droughts. You’ve glanced and skimmed and swiped and scrolled and, at long last, you did one thing we humans are really, really good at: you sent your Thoughts and Prayers™ and forgot about it. With the sheer volume of natural disasters in 2017, I can’t blame you.

But allow me to speak in a language we all can understand: at the end of 2017, after flood waters receded and fires finally fizzled, we tallied a bill worth paying attention to.

Last year, Mother Nature dealt the United States of America its costliest recompense to date: a string of hurricanes, wildfires and other natural disasters totaling $306 billion in damage. The runner-up: 2005’s $215 billion price tag, thanks in no small part to a certain Hurricane Katrina. Moreover, the top three disasters of 2017—a murderer’s row of hurricanes Harvey, Maria and Irma—alone smashed 2005’s record, dealing $265 billion of destruction.

It’s times like these in which one starts to suspect our nation just might be built on a Native American burial ground.

It’s safe to say that last year, America was hit hard. Three storms category four or higher made landfall last year, the California wildfires were the costliest on record and our country experienced billion-dollar disasters in six of the seven categories the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) tracks: tropical cyclone, wildfire, severe storm, flood, freeze and drought. A costly winter storm in 2017 could have completed the set (and my natural disaster bingo card).

I’ll direct those who saw 2017 as a fluke to the very first days of January 2018, when we were introduced to the terrifyingly-named “bomb cyclone.” Weaponized winter came with a hefty price tag as well, and might just indicate that—unlike liquids, waning crescents, and emo teens—it’s not just a phase.

Do you yearn for the old days? Do you pine for simpler times when “polar vortex” was the scariest-sounding buzzword on the Weather Channel? Do you look fondly on the years gone by filled with only one or two devastating hurricanes per year?

There’s good news: the good ol’ days when every natural disaster didn’t cause Bill Gates’s net worth in damage aren’t gone forever. That being said, even to begin to sidestep this snowballing yearly insurance claim, we first and foremost have to take accountability.

In the current world climate—political and otherwise—it is easier to pretend that everything is more or less going to even out. Hurricanes Harvey, Maria and Irma delivered their refutation loud and clear: this is not normal.

Is it a result of global warming? Climate change? Aliens? Who cares? Debate over terminology and politics bring us back to square one: partisan squabbling that goes in one ear and out the other of a nation that skims and swipes and scrolls and forgets. It’s time to break the cycle.

Some push for greenhouse gas emission reduction, others push for fortifying vulnerable regions against future disaster. These opinions are often pitted against each other on party lines when, in reality, they are both helping. They are both valuable solutions. It doesn’t matter what party you cheer on like some football team—hurricanes don’t just flood Republican homes, nor do wildfires exclusively torch Democrats’.

It doesn’t take a liberal or a conservative or an anarcho-capitalist to tell that this is not normal. And our insurance bill will keep getting bigger every year we will twiddle our thumbs like our lives depended on it. As natural disasters are made into talking points and ammunition against another group of people who live on the same Earth as everyone else, the implications of 2017’s $306 billion slap in the face get lost in the details.

And what’s left? Thoughts and Prayers™. And the world keeps spinning.

And warming, I might add.

For some, the word “Thanksgiving” conjures rosy memories of food, friends and family. But we all know the unavoidable, uncomfortable main course to any true family Thanksgiving: no-holds-barred political debate. 

You may have forgotten why you left for college. As you gear up for your holiday trip back home, prepare to remember. After months of polite discourse and general open-mindedness, it’s time to unlearn everything. You are about to approach a forum unmatched in hostility, a jury of your peers that get their news from social media and hate the term “liberal arts” because it has the word “liberal” in it. 2017 is a year steeped in controversy. A battle of wits and raised voices with your closest relatives is a dangerous game.

It would behoove you to come prepared.

What follows is an unofficial news briefing on the topics most likely to fill the air around the Thanksgiving table. I will offer my best advice on how to address each issue. If you don’t get damned to hell by your elder relatives before dessert, I’d consider it a good year.

The discussion might start innocently enough, perhaps referencing a relative’s recent Facebook post of Ewan McGregor, clothed in brown robes as Obi Wan Kenobi, with a caption prompting viewers to like and comment “amen” if he’s their savior. Did you comment “amen?” Did you? Don’t tell me you kept scrolling. 

The conversation may swing to the pros and cons of vaccination. Beware Auntie Anecdote, a reliable font of plausible stories that just happen to fall right in line with her arguments. Sure, a flu shot just might have turned the baby of a woman in her spin class into a homosexual, but don’t bother pressing for proof. Be careful not to let your guard down—Polio was, indeed, that bad. 

Pros and cons of veganism will be touted, and warnings of your untimely demise from a red meat and cheddar cheese deficiency will be abundant. I know you’ll be itching to pull out your well-worn “Earthlings” DVD and play it. Eat your tofurkey and keep your head down.

To those who suggest their great-grandparents didn’t travel all the way to America to see it overrun by immigrants, a brief history of intercontinental ocean travel may be necessary. Start in 1492, just to cover all the bases.

No Thanksgiving is complete without a football game, and your challenge is twofold: parry indictments of disrespect and outright treason on the football players engaged in peaceful protest, and counter someone’s inevitable claim that the sport just isn’t tough anymore with all the increased safety rules. For the first, express curiosity as to the whereabouts of this place where people can actually demonstrate their discontent and everyone is happy about it. For the second … well, they say many types of brain damage are irreversible. Might not be worth your time.

Gay marriage may come up, even though it’s old news by now. Do what I always do and pose this question: Isn’t it kind of gay to think about all those gay people marrying all the time? 

But as surely as big, inflatable Charlie Brown will loom ominously over the New York skyline on Nov. 23, the elephant in the room will have to be addressed at some point. Thanksgiving 2017’s most controversial topic of discussion is unavoidable, deeply personal and unequivocally orange. I’m sorry—I don’t know how to prepare you for this one. 

It deeply saddens me that half of the United States of America could be so callous as to continue to support marshmallows on sweet potatoes. It’s a tragedy, but sweet potato partisanship in our country is worse now than ever. George Washington was right; it never should’ve come to this.

By now, the tryptophan will start to kick in, and you’ll finally get a break from the debates you never asked for. Talking to people we’ll only see a couple more times a year and defending our every last conviction to the death is the perennial struggle; beyond the classroom, the Thanksgiving table is the true proving ground. After leaving the politeness and thoughtfulness you’ve been taught in the dust, you don’t feel dirty. You feel alive. 

Flinging mashed potatoes, threatening divorce and narrowly dodging disownment is what debating current events is all about. Execute your rhetoric mercilessly. Make your opponent’s submission quick and painful. 

And have a happy Thanksgiving.